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Having to say goodbye is the most unbearable pain…

June 7th was the worst day of my entire life.  It was the day that I had to say goodbye to my best friend.   Just typing those words has me sobbing.  I have been through so much in my life, but none of it has compared to this.  I have never hurt this much before.  Over a month later, it is still as raw  and painful as it was on day one.

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The night of the 6th, I was supposed to go to a WWE show.  I had been excited for it for awhile, but something just didn’t feel right.  Oreo had a seizure that Saturday, and I just had a bad feeling about leaving him alone.  So I stayed home with him instead…and I’m glad I did.  Oreo had 3 seizures that night.  The first was around 7:30pm…right as the show was supposed to start.  He snapped right out of it, just like he did for the other seizures he’d had.  He went right back to being his normal self.  We went to bed around midnight…and I woke up maybe 15 minutes later to him having another seizure.  I was so scared…he’d never had more than one seizure in a day.  I called my parents, and they came over to spend the night, just incase something were to happen.  I told Oreo that he couldn’t have another seizure…that if he had another one, I was going to have to let him go.  I already knew that his nasal tumor was invading his brain, but I didn’t expect it to progress so fast when it did.  2 hours later, Oreo had his third seizure that night.  After that seizure, it took him a few hours to fully come out of it.  I sent a message to my vet letting her know that I thought I had to say goodbye, and told her that I would come in over the lunch period.  I took Oreo for a walk around 11 – he was so happy, and went running down the street with my dad.  I immediately started doubting my decision.  I took him in around noon, and was hoping with every fiber of my being that his vet would tell me that it wasn’t his time, and that I’d be able to take my boy home with me.  That didn’t happen.  she agreed with my fear that his next seizure he might not come out of.  I had to make the most difficult, painful decision of my life…I had to let my little boy go. I held him through the whole thing.  I felt his heart beat it’s last beat.  I’ll never be able to get that memory out of my head.

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Burger has been mourning the loss of his best friend just as much as I have.  He’s gotten a lot sicker since Oreo’s been gone – his GI issues have become pretty constant now.  I’ve been chalking that up to stress and grief.  Burger loved Oreo so much – would follow him around the house, and would sit and wait for Oreo in the porch window when I’d take Oreo for a walk.  Every night before bed, Burger would groom Oreo, then curl up next to him in bed for the night.

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Burger had started to resent Frenchie since Oreo passed.  Frenchie has tried so hard to cheer us up – she is such a sweet little girl, and I am so thankful that I adopted her.  She laid with me every night as I cried myself to sleep.  Burger was mad at me – wouldn’t cuddle me, wouldn’t even be in the same room as me for a solid week.  He stayed in the corner of the porch, in his cat carrier, for the entire week.  Anyone who says that animals don’t grieve like people do must have never had a pet of their own.  When Burger would come out of hiding, Frenchie would get so excited and run over to sniff him – and he’d hiss and growl, bat at her, and just make it clear that he wanted nothing to do with her…that she wasn’t a replacement for Oreo.  I was worried that it would start affecting Frenchie’s behavior – she has always been a shy, scared kitty, and I didn’t want to see her start to become anti-social with other animals as well.  I adopted a sweet little kitten named Linus on the 5th of July to keep her company — more on him in a different post 🙂

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It’s been six weeks, six weeks of absolute hell. I still don’t know how I manage to get up every day and not see him.  Most of the time, I go to bed hoping to stop breathing in my sleep so that I can be with him again.  I miss him so much that it hurts.  I want to know where he is, if he’s happy, sad or if he’s angry at me for what I did.

I know he’s probably not, he was never angry.  He just looked at us with those big brown eyes of his, those eyes that held so much love. Did he know how much I love him?  How much I miss him?   I have an appointment Tuesday to get his portrait tattooed on me.  I’m going to have his ashes mixed into the ink…so that he can always be with me.

Wherever he is, I hope that he is safe, happy and that someone is looking after him until I come to get him back…because I will. One day I’ll get him back and I’ll be able to feel his fur in my hands and see him wag his tail again.

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I saw this at Walgreens not too long ago, when I was having a particularly bad day.  I have never seen my grandpa’s name on anything before (Lawrence), and for it to be next to one that says Angel… I am choosing to believe that is him telling me that he’s my guardian angel, watching over me.  I hope that means that he’s with Oreo.  Oreo would have loved him.

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I love you.  I miss you.
<3

 

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One thought on “Having to say goodbye is the most unbearable pain…”

  1. Thinking of you Amy, understanding the pain and how much it hurts, and knowing that only time will make it easier but the loss never goes away. Sending you my love. XoXo

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