broken

15380847_10154558992210380_4881366670896542201_nNot sharing this post on FB…this one is just for me.

Oreos cancer has spread to his lymph nodes.  his sort of cancer was supposed to be one that, while aggressive, didn’t tend to spread.  but his has.  the new tumor in his nose has his entire right side of his nose so swollen.  his mouth is starting to get swollen, and smells like pus.  and his lymph node in his neck is huge and rock hard.

we’re meeting with an oncologist tomorrow in syracuse, and i’m trying so hard to stay hopeful, but it’s so tough.  i don’t know if we can do cyberknife again on two different places, and if we can if it would even help.  if its in his lymph nodes, it’s probably all over his body.  nasal tumors don’t usually respond very well to chemo; although with my extensive digging online (something i keep reminding myself that i SHOULDN’T do, yet i can’t seem to help it), i’ve found a few studies that seem hopeful.  i will try absolutely anything…except for standard radiation, as all of the side effects i’ve read about seem like they would put oreo’s quality of life way lower than it ever should be.  i just want more time with him.  i’m not ready to say goodbye.  i’ll never be ready to say goodbye.

oreo was the reason that i walked away from my accident.  i know he is.  all i could think about was that i had to get home to let him outside.  after the hospital, my dad wanted to stop to get some food but i said no – we needed to get home, oreo hadn’t been outside.  when we got home, one of the lights in the living room was smoking – the whole room was filled with smoke.  if we didn’t get home right then to turn the lights off and take the bulb out, the entire house could have gone up in flames.  my parents are hoarders, it would have caught fire quick – we would have lost everything.  its because of oreo that i said i just needed to go home, and because of him that our house is in tact and our cats alive.

i’ve known for a long time that there was something wrong with me.  that i’d grow up alone and die alone.  i remember one mothers day at ponderosa just crying to myself.  i was maybe 8 or 9 years old…yet i knew back then that i’d never get married, never have a family.  i didn’t know why, i just knew that i’d never find anyone who would ever love me enough to want to marry me.  when i found ed, i thought that maybe i was wrong.  that i’d get the chance to be happy, just like everybody else.  ed was the worst mistake i have ever made in my life.  he destroyed me.  he destroyed every ounce of self esteem that i’d ever had, any ability to be happy, any ability to trust.  he caused me to build up walls that are still so high, i don’t know how to let anyone in.  i don’t know how to let new friends in, because so many of them betrayed me with him.  i don’t know how to trust in anyone because of that miserable period of my life.

i should get help for it.  i just don’t know how.  i saw a shrink a few times after i tried to kill myself.  she told me that i could try bringing ed to a session with me.  i did, and he charmed her so much that she began telling me that i needed to start trusting him, that he was clearly devoted to me, that he wasn’t cheating on me anymore.  but he was, the entire time.  i stopped going back to her after that session.

i’ve had so many pets over the years, so many who i loved with all of my heart and lost.  and i didn’t think i’d ever feel anything worse than losing my grandpa.  that was the first time i tried to kill myself.  i was 11.  i tried hanging myself from my bedroom curtain rod.

my grandpa was the most important and most influential person in my life.  he was the only person who i never felt anything but unconditional love from.  that was a feeling that i never felt again…until finding oreo.

oreo was the only reason that i would get out of bed after the accident.  i had to feed him, i had to take him outside, and i had to make sure that he stayed happy, even when i felt like i was falling apart.  who is going to keep me from falling apart if i lose him?  i don’t have anyone.

and of course, in typical amy fashion, during the time when i could probably use friends the most…i’m pushing everyone away instead.

he’s laying at my side, as always.  and i still can’t stop crying.  it’s been days, and right when i think i’m out of tears, i break down again.  i don’t want to know what it’s like without him laying next to me.  i don’t want to be alive if he’s not.  hes all i have

2875 Total Views 6 Views Today

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *