All posts by amy

Trying to get by, one day at a time…

It has almost been 2 whole months since the love of my life left me.  Each and every day, I struggle to make it through another day without him.  Some days are easier than others.  I try to keep as busy as I can.  Other days, I can barely get out of bed, and have to excuse myself at work to run to the bathroom when I can’t hold back the tears any longer.

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Something that has brought me some added joy to my life is a little ball of fur named Linus.  This little love came into my life when a girl I work with nursed him back from the brink of death.  I wasn’t planning on getting another cat, the idea of adopting him literally never occurred to me.   One day I jokingly said that I would take him…and within a week, that joke became a reality.  It sounds silly, but with all of his health issues…adopting him that quickly was one of the most impulsive things that I have ever done.  He makes me laugh every day.  He gives the sweetest little kisses.  Most importantly…he has changed the entire dynamic in my house.  Frenchie has someone to play with and cuddle with, and Burger can choose when he wants to join in, instead of having Frenchie continually try to play with him when he would rather not.

2Frenchie is probably the sweetest kitty I’ve ever had.  She is such a shy little girl, and the fact that she loves me and trusts me so much warms my heart so much.  I love seeing her personality grow every day, as she grows more into herself.  She is very slowly starting to learn that not everything is scary.  She doesn’t hide from my parents anymore when they come over, and she spent most of the night out with me when I had some friends over the other night.

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Burger is doing a lot better.  He still keeps to himself a lot since Oreo left us, but he’s starting to snuggle me again and isn’t hiding in the cat carrier every day anymore.  I tried switching him to a new food (Hills W/D), and aside from the first few days when his system was getting used to it; he has been doing REALLY good!  He’s only thrown up a handful of times (instead of every day like before), and just seems to be healthier and happier.  I’m hoping this kick of health sticks around for awhile.

Long story short, this shirt more or less describes my daily life.

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I still find myself talking to Oreo every night.  I wake up a lot of times and panic because he’s not next to me, before remembering that he’s gone.  How much more time has to go by before I remember what happened?  I just want to see those eyes of his. I want to step over him on my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night but he’s not there. I still step automatically thinking he will be. Where are you, Oreo? Why aren’t you here? My heart hurts so much. You were my heart. Without you what am I meant to do? Someone has to tell me.

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I love you. I miss you.

A letter to Oreo…

Hi Oreo <3

It’s been almost seven weeks now and I still can’t believe you’re not here.  Where are you?  Are you here and I just can’t see you?  I find myself hoping that you are.  That you’re here and you know how much I love and miss you because I do, so so much.

I stand staring at your picture that now hangs on the wall everyday. You were so handsome, you were the most amazing dog, ever.  Why did you have to go?  I don’t know if my heart is ever going to mend, it doesn’t feel like it.

I love you. I miss you.

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Having to say goodbye is the most unbearable pain…

June 7th was the worst day of my entire life.  It was the day that I had to say goodbye to my best friend.   Just typing those words has me sobbing.  I have been through so much in my life, but none of it has compared to this.  I have never hurt this much before.  Over a month later, it is still as raw  and painful as it was on day one.

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The night of the 6th, I was supposed to go to a WWE show.  I had been excited for it for awhile, but something just didn’t feel right.  Oreo had a seizure that Saturday, and I just had a bad feeling about leaving him alone.  So I stayed home with him instead…and I’m glad I did.  Oreo had 3 seizures that night.  The first was around 7:30pm…right as the show was supposed to start.  He snapped right out of it, just like he did for the other seizures he’d had.  He went right back to being his normal self.  We went to bed around midnight…and I woke up maybe 15 minutes later to him having another seizure.  I was so scared…he’d never had more than one seizure in a day.  I called my parents, and they came over to spend the night, just incase something were to happen.  I told Oreo that he couldn’t have another seizure…that if he had another one, I was going to have to let him go.  I already knew that his nasal tumor was invading his brain, but I didn’t expect it to progress so fast when it did.  2 hours later, Oreo had his third seizure that night.  After that seizure, it took him a few hours to fully come out of it.  I sent a message to my vet letting her know that I thought I had to say goodbye, and told her that I would come in over the lunch period.  I took Oreo for a walk around 11 – he was so happy, and went running down the street with my dad.  I immediately started doubting my decision.  I took him in around noon, and was hoping with every fiber of my being that his vet would tell me that it wasn’t his time, and that I’d be able to take my boy home with me.  That didn’t happen.  she agreed with my fear that his next seizure he might not come out of.  I had to make the most difficult, painful decision of my life…I had to let my little boy go. I held him through the whole thing.  I felt his heart beat it’s last beat.  I’ll never be able to get that memory out of my head.

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Burger has been mourning the loss of his best friend just as much as I have.  He’s gotten a lot sicker since Oreo’s been gone – his GI issues have become pretty constant now.  I’ve been chalking that up to stress and grief.  Burger loved Oreo so much – would follow him around the house, and would sit and wait for Oreo in the porch window when I’d take Oreo for a walk.  Every night before bed, Burger would groom Oreo, then curl up next to him in bed for the night.

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Burger had started to resent Frenchie since Oreo passed.  Frenchie has tried so hard to cheer us up – she is such a sweet little girl, and I am so thankful that I adopted her.  She laid with me every night as I cried myself to sleep.  Burger was mad at me – wouldn’t cuddle me, wouldn’t even be in the same room as me for a solid week.  He stayed in the corner of the porch, in his cat carrier, for the entire week.  Anyone who says that animals don’t grieve like people do must have never had a pet of their own.  When Burger would come out of hiding, Frenchie would get so excited and run over to sniff him – and he’d hiss and growl, bat at her, and just make it clear that he wanted nothing to do with her…that she wasn’t a replacement for Oreo.  I was worried that it would start affecting Frenchie’s behavior – she has always been a shy, scared kitty, and I didn’t want to see her start to become anti-social with other animals as well.  I adopted a sweet little kitten named Linus on the 5th of July to keep her company — more on him in a different post 🙂

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It’s been six weeks, six weeks of absolute hell. I still don’t know how I manage to get up every day and not see him.  Most of the time, I go to bed hoping to stop breathing in my sleep so that I can be with him again.  I miss him so much that it hurts.  I want to know where he is, if he’s happy, sad or if he’s angry at me for what I did.

I know he’s probably not, he was never angry.  He just looked at us with those big brown eyes of his, those eyes that held so much love. Did he know how much I love him?  How much I miss him?   I have an appointment Tuesday to get his portrait tattooed on me.  I’m going to have his ashes mixed into the ink…so that he can always be with me.

Wherever he is, I hope that he is safe, happy and that someone is looking after him until I come to get him back…because I will. One day I’ll get him back and I’ll be able to feel his fur in my hands and see him wag his tail again.

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I saw this at Walgreens not too long ago, when I was having a particularly bad day.  I have never seen my grandpa’s name on anything before (Lawrence), and for it to be next to one that says Angel… I am choosing to believe that is him telling me that he’s my guardian angel, watching over me.  I hope that means that he’s with Oreo.  Oreo would have loved him.

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I love you.  I miss you.
<3

 

Time To Party — Oreo’s Birthday Party!

This post likely won’t be as upbeat as usual, since my mood has really been tanking as of late.  But I figured I’d start out on a high note – Oreo’s birthday party!

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This past Sunday I threw Oreo a birthday party – his very first one.  Up until he got sick, it wasn’t something that I had ever really thought about.  I’m so glad that I decided to do it – Oreo had a blast!  He was so happy to see so many of his people friends (especially since usually he only sees most of them when he’s at my work.  Boy does he love seeing them even more when it’s not in a vet-setting!!), and he even made a new girlfriend!  After his party, we went for a little walk, and then Oreo passed out for seriously the rest of the day/night!

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I tried to get Burger into the celebrating spirit as well, but he really wasn’t in the mood for a party.  However, his mood quickly changed when he started to realize that he was recognizing people’s voices!  His grandma and grandpa were there, and then he realized that his girlfriends from my work were there!!  He used to love snuggling with them back when he was my sick little boy, spending just about every day at the animal hospital with me.  He spent the second half of Oreo’s party downstairs being social.  Frenchie on the other hand…she only made an appearance when I brought her downstairs to say hi to everyone; and then immediately ran upstairs and hid, not to be seen again for hours.

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This past week has been pretty exhausting.  My little old man has been in and out of my work and the emergency vet.  His name is Dium…named because when he first wandered into my house and we took him to the vet to e scanned and checked out, the vet wrote “DM” on his paperwork.  DM, of course, standing for Domesticated Male.  My dad, however, thought that the vet was naming him.  So he added a couple of vowels and went with it.  I’ve always called him Kitten Little.  He’s always been so tiny, despite his ferocious appetite.  He has always been my shyest boy; no matter how hard I worked with him, I have never been able to help him develop confidence.  I’ve always thought that it is, at least partly, due to the fact that he was declawed when we found him.  The only bold move he ever did was to race into my house during a snowstorm when my mom was going out to get the mail.  I knew where he lived, as he had found his way to my yard before; but when I took him back home this time, the house was abandoned with a “for sale” sign in the yard, and the window left open for the cats to come and go.

Last week, during the beginning of the snow storm, Kitten Little’s nose seemed to be extremely swollen and bloody.  My mind went to worst-case scenario – another nasal tumor.  My work was closing down early for the day due to the weather.  An appointment was scheduled for him for 2 days later.  I was at work at the bank that day and got a panicked email from my dad, that Kitten Little was barely breathing.  They were on their way to the vet with him, expecting him not to make it.  My vet quickly referred him to the emergency hospital with a laundry list of problems.  Again, we prepared for the worst.  I got an update from a friend at the emergency vet who sounded hopeful – saying that it looked like it may be just a really severe URI.  Which it was (…and still is).  In addition to his URI, he had lost a significant amount of weight – partially due to not eating for a few days prior to his hospitalization, and partly due to his newly diagnosed hyperthyroidism.  They also discovered a heart murmur – which hopefully is just because of his thyroid condition.  He spent 2 days/nights at emergency, and got to come home Saturday.  He then wound up spending Saturday at my work with me, because no sooner did my parents get him back home than did his nose start to bleed.  After looking at him, it appeared that he must have pawed at his face and ripped off one of the scabs on his nose.

Since then, he is slowly improving.  I brought him back into my job the other day because his nose was almost swollen shut, and he was pretty dehydrated.  By the time we got to my work, he sneezed out a HUGE chunk of mucus, and his nasal passages seemed to reopen.  We gave fluids, and he got to come home.  He is still extremely congested, and his nose is still pretty red, raw and swollen; but his appetite has come back with a vengeance.  We haven’t had to give him any of the appetite stimulants that we were sent home with.  He is due for a recheck next week, and if his URI is cleared up enough, we can hopefully get him started on some thyroid meds.  Which should be fun trying to get into him, seeing as how he bit his vet when she was trying to give him his antibiotic!  Literally the first time he has ever even TRIED to bite anyone, much less done it.  I was in shock.

Burger has been having diarrhea for the past week or so.  It’s not unusual for him, but normally it clears up within a few days.  This time, it started right before his mouth ulceration/UTI; cleared up for a short amount of time after that; and now is back…and AWFUL.  He normally gets baths every Sunday to keep him clean, but he’s been needing to get them once or twice DAILY recently.  He’s on a bland diet and getting a probiotic, so I hope that it starts to clear up soon.  This poor cat…can’t decide if he wants to be backed up with stool or have completely watery stool…he can’t just settle for something in the middle and have normal poos like everyone else.

One of the other family kitties, Cinder, has been acting a bit under the weather lately too.  He’s been licking his lips/the air a lot, his breath became TERRIBLE seemingly overnight, and he’s just been sleeping a lot.  I was finally able to look into his mouth the other day, and saw what looks like one of his teeth getting absorbed by the gum around it.  So, he has a vet appointment tomorrow, and I’m sure will need a dental cleaning/tooth extraction after that.  He is such a sweet boy, he responds to being called “Pretty Kitty” or “Key”, and will come running from where ever in the house he is when he hears his name.  He lived under our camper for 2 years, until right before Hurricane Sandy hit…the night of the storm, he decided suddenly that he would much rather live inside, and went right up to my dad, sat down, got pet, and then followed him inside!  Prior to that, the closest we had gotten to him was from several feet away – he wouldn’t run when we brought him out food, but that was it.  These days, he is truly my dads shadow.

Oreo had his new chemo treatment on the 8th.  For the first  3 or so days, he seemed to be responding pretty good to it – it didn’t seem to make him nauseous like his previous chemo did; but it just never completely eliminated the swelling of his nose/lymph nodes like that previous chemo did.  By the 1 week mark, his swelling was back to as big as it had been, if not bigger.  Yesterday, I woke up to my bed, myself, and Oreo covered in blood.  He must have had a bleed in the middle of the night – it didn’t seem to be a big one, but every time he sneezed he would spray blood everywhere.  That seems to have decreased to the equivalent of a runny, blood-tinged nose, which is still going on.  A few minutes ago, he sneezed so hard he smacked his head on the ground, and his nose started bleeding pretty heavily.  I was able to get that under control pretty quickly with ice and pressure, thankfully.  I just have this sinking feeling that another big bleed is in our future, and it scares me and devastates me at the same time.

With all of the health issues my pets have been having lately, my anxiety and depression have been completely through the roof.  Oreo’s issues are obviously affecting me the worst.  I had a small nervous breakdown last night when I was trying to go to bed… I was crying pretty hard and my nose stuffed up.  I blew one side, but then realized with the other side completely stuffed it must be how Oreo feels with his tumor blocking one nostril.  It was so uncomfortable and hard to catch a full breath…the thought of him feeling like that every day crushed me.  I totally lost it, and cried myself to sleep for the first time in a long time.  He seems to be a bit sleepier than usual – but I bumped up his gabapentin from 1 pill to 2 pills once daily (I can bump it up anywhere up to 2 pills 3x a day; but it hits him pretty hard, so I don’t want to get him on too high of a dose if I can avoid it); so I’m hoping the mild sedation is just a side effect of that.  Otherwise he still seems happy – he still wants to play and go for walks, he still gets excited and bounces around at the mention of going for a car ride.  I am getting so scared that his time is approaching.  I’m terrified of not being able to make that decision for him, or of waiting too long…and I’m even more scared of what I may do when I lose him.  He is my reason for living.  I love my kitties, but it’s nothing compared to him.  I honestly don’t think that I could love a human child as much as I love him.  He’s been there for me at the absolute lowest point of my life after my accident…I really think he is the only reason I walked away from that.  He has saved my life in more ways than one.  He is the reason I wake up every morning.  WIthout him, I would be lost.

Over the past 4 months or so, I’ve had this strong desire to just pick up and move away from my town.  I think it’s due to how strong my depression has gotten lately…I just want to pack up everything and start a new life somewhere else.  I will be in debt for probably the rest of my life from all of the vet bills I’ve had over the past 3 years.  I don’t feel like I really fit in anywhere anymore.  I feel like I have no one other than my parents, who aren’t very good with other people’s emotional problems, or very easy to even talk to about things like that.  I have so many people around me, but I’m not really close to anyone anymore, and most of the time, I just feel 100% isolated.  All I can think about now is just giving up and trying again somewhere else. The only things holding me back are: 1) my mom’s health issues, and 2) the thought that I might immediately regret moving away once I settle in.  I feel very lonely a majority of the time and I’ve been feeling that sticking around here really isn’t worth it anymore.  To top everything off, I’ve been having very bad back and neck pain over the past few days, causing what seems like a permanent headache.  It’s excruciating, and causes vision in one of my eyes to become blurry.  It started out with spasms in my back, at the area affected from being hit by the car.  The next day, it had spread into my neck, and was radiating into my head.  No amount of asprin or hot compresses have seemed to help it.  I don’t know what I did to trigger it; but it’s awful.

I guess that’s enough about that… I doubt anyone will really make it this far down without any pictures in the post to keep it lively, but I just needed to get everything out one way or another.  I’m sure keeping it all in was making it even worse; so maybe writing about it will at least help.  I just feel so lost lately and don’t know what to do anymore.  I just need a break.